Shadows of the Mind
by Queen Caira
Summary: The diary of a vixen as she journeys to remove the shadows from her past and find her long lost brother. Will her travels lead to discoveries of her past or simply to the creation of a new life for herself? Yaoi! AU
1. Prologue

_Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of its characters..._

**Shadows of the Mind  
**

**Prologue**

In Rock Springs, Wyoming, a young girl sits in a beautiful clearing beside a stream; she has long, slightly wavy, chestnut hair. She is fair-skinned, slim, and about 4'9" tall, with eyes the color of pine needles. This young girl's name is Alcina Kanika Nakamura, and today is her thirteenth birthday.

The peaceful silence of the clearing is shattered by a male voice saying, "Happy birthday, Jewel."

This statement is swiftly followed by a yelp of pain as "Jewel's" fist connects firmly with the speaker's mid-drift.

Alcina continues to strike the male while asking, "What's so happy about it? Every year since I turned ten, I've felt as if I don't belong anywhere anymore, and yet, it's been three years now, and I still haven't figured out why I feel this way or where I belong."

At the end of her tirade, she stops her beating of the boy, who happens to be her older brother Yasuo, and looks to him as if expecting an answer to her dilemma from him. Yasuo gets up from the ground carefully, so as not to aggravate his newly forming bruises, and smiles lovingly at his angry younger sister before saying, "You'll understand when it's time for you to understand."

Of course, Yasuo had no idea at the time how right he would turn out to be. Less than a year later, Alcina figured out exactly why she felt out of place and where she belonged.

* * *

My name is Alcina Kanika Nakamura, and up until my thirteenth year of human life, that was the only name I knew. These are the records of what I remembered and what happened after my memories returned. On my fourteenth human birthday, I left the Human world, I thought for good, severing all ties I had there, to return to where I truly belonged, the Demon World. I had no plans of ever returning, or of ever contacting my human "family" again; they were of no use to me now.

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	2. Cursed One

**Chapter One: Cursed One  
**

This a diary documenting all I learned during my thirteenth year of human life, along with the help of a journal I kept when I was a kit, which I found during my travels in the Makai. My true name is Arisu, and I was born a midnight black, shadow fox in a small, but prosperous, village in the Codorian Mountains called Loranka. My immediate family consisted of my mother, father, elder sister, and younger brother, though that was assuredly not our whole clan. Even though most of my memories have returned, I am still not able to recall exactly how many families belonged to our clan; I only remember that there were many.

My mother was a graceful, blood red vixen appropriately named Akako. Father, named Zen, was the same dark color as I and was just as dangerous as he looked. My elder sister was a pale red vixen named Aiko, and the youngest, and in my eyes, most beautiful in our family, my beloved younger brother, was Kin. He was born a beautiful, golden color, and even though my memories aren't clear, I still remember the way he was treated for something he had no control over. He could not control what color his fur was, and yet, he was punished from birth for it.

You see, being born golden is seen as a curse in the eyes of our clan, while silver fur made sure you were practically worshipped. Our clan was known as the Infinity Marked or the Infinity Clan because of the fact that any kit with our blood in its veins would be born with the infinity mark somewhere on their body. It was a way for us to identify who was a member of our clan and who was an impostor. The Infinity Marked were known for the way they took care of all their members, no matter how little of the blood was in their veins. It wasn't only our clan who saw the golden ones as bringers of bad luck and ill fortune; there were others kitsune in the Makai that saw them as bad luck as well, but in our clan, there was one thing they could not stand, and it was a golden fox, or a Bachiatari.

I was only about seven years of age, while Aiko was nearing her fourteenth birthday when little Kin was born. You see there were so few of us because though vixen usually gave birth to as many as five kits at a time, our mother's blood carried a gene which provided that she had only one kit each time. When we had first learned that we were to receive into our family a new member, the both of us were very excited; to a kitsune, the larger the family, the better. I remember chattering incessantly during my mother's pregnancy, of about three month, to anyone who would listen to me about how wonderful it would be to have a younger brother to protect and teach. I knew that the kit was to be a male because the village seers had foretold that it would be so. I vaguely recollect that Aiko had wished for another sister, and that we argued about which it would be. In my journal it states that my sister still held out hope for a female because the seers had predicted that I would be a male, so she was hoping that they had made another mistake.

Eventually, the day of the birth arrived. My sister and I were left alone in a large stone room, while our father accompanied our mother. I don't remember what I was feeling at that moment, but I assume I was both excited and a little scared. I'm not sure how long it was, but eventually I remember hearing my mother sobbing and my father cursing loudly and vehemently. I remember so clearly because I had never heard my mother cry or my father curse before. Somehow Aiko and I ended up in the birthing chamber. I headed toward a cradle in the middle of the room, and by some means, I managed to climb up onto it. It was my first look at the little brother that would become my darling. He was lying there with his ears still sealed to his head and his tail wrapped tightly around himself. Suddenly, he opened his clear, golden eyes and met mine, and in that second, I was lost. I knew in my soul, if not my mind, that I would always love and care for him. As I gazed at him and he gazed at me, he kept completely silent, which was, as I think about it now, rather strange because a newborn kit cries out for its mother's milk almost immediately after birth. Then, I remember cold hands snatching me away from my newfound brother. Though before he was out of my sight, I saw and recognized the Infinity Mark on his left arm; a sight that is now branded into my mind. What happened next is unclear, but I know one of the foxes in the room hurt my brother and caused him to cry out in pain; I remember my sister's voice, in a flat tone, stating, "He's a Bachiatari." I heard my brother scream again, and I remember becoming angry.

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	3. First Emergence

**Chapter Two: First Emergence**

Through my anger, I remember feeling a swirl of energy coming from deep inside of my body; if I hadn't been so angry, I would have been frightened. A black entity filled the room and then one of the birthing foxes screamed. There was a voice inside my head saying, 'Let me destroy them, Arisu; they are hurting your brother. Let me destroy **all** of them.'

Then everything was black and silent, and when I can next see and hear again, I am in my father's arms. He is holding me securely and is speaking soothingly to me. I have no clue what he said to me, but I could feel his concern and agitation. Then, the door to the chamber opened and strange foxes that I had never met before came in and took me from my family. I was locked in a dark and cold room by myself; I have no idea how long I was in there, but eventually, Lady Caira herself entered, followed by my parents and some others. She spoke to me, and this is more or less how our conversation went. I think it important I document everything I remember; even as far back as my childhood, so that if I ever lose my memory again, I will have something to refer to.

'_I can see that you are frightened and confused, Arisu, but there is no need for you to be. What you felt and saw earlier was merely the first emergence of your power.'_

'_Someone was hurt.'_

'_Yes, but it wasn't your fault; you haven't yet learned to control yourself, and so, no one blames you. Until you learn control, this will help to keep your power under control.' _

_She withdrew a golden anklet etched with black runes and fastened it to my right ankle, telling me to keep it on at all times._

'_Sister never had to wear anything like this when her power emerged, why do I,' I asked in childish curiosity, already besotted with my gift.  
_

'_You, my sweet, are more special than most. Whereas your father controls earth, your mother controls fire, and your sister controls lightning, you control something completely different; something much more powerful. You are what we call a Shadow Fox, one of the rare Shadow Demon. Shadow Demon are possessed with an energy called shadow energy; it is a wild and almost impossible to control energy, which is in reality alive. This anklet will help you to learn control over your energy.'_

**_Here is probably where I should explain what a Shadow Demon is more thoroughly, as I said before, that was a conversation held between a kit and an adult, so it's far from informative. As stated above, shadow energy is alive and will communicate with its host. Most often, it will communicate its desire to destroy. The energy has the power to reach outside of the hosts' body and destroy anything; it is also impossible to completely control it, and though, over time, the host may learn a degree of control, never will it be completely subjugated. Shadow Demon are feared and ostracized whenever and wherever they are discovered. Most are killed as children when their power first emerges; those that survive live by hiding in the remotest parts of the mountains. Those you find in the mountains are most likely mad after having destroyed their own families or simply because of the constant whispering in their mind. Also, shadow energy isn't passed along through blood, it very randomly shows up in any kind of high class demon. There is, however, one way to lock the energy inside of the host's body, which allows he/she to control it, and that is if the host wears a rare stone called a Conite Stone. The only problem is, the only beings who know where to get the stone don't allow many of them outside of their clans. The ones lucky enough to possess the stones, however, make sure everyone knows that they're one of the Shadow Demon; they know that they are more powerful than average demon. The stone is usually fashioned into some sort of jewelry for easy wear, such as my anklet._**

As soon as the anklet was on, I was embraced by everyone. My sister and I were just hugging when I asked after our brother. Immediately, it was as if the temperature in the room had dropped thirty degrees. For awhile, nobody spoke. Lady Caira finally asked me if I knew what he was. I did, but to me it didn't matter. To this day, I'm still not sure why, but they allowed him to live. There are times when I wonder if maybe the cruelest thing I ever did to him was to let him live; his life was full of nothing but pain, abuse, torture and neglect, but I was a mere kit at the time, and all I wanted was my little brother.

They carried my brother in, and not one person moved to take him. Even my sister Aiko wouldn't touch him. His golden eyes were wandering around the room, adjusting to the lack of light. Perhaps, he was even looking for his family, and so, I took him into my arms. He was so little and soft, so pure and innocent. I don't know how I managed to forget how he looked that first time I held him, but now that I remember all of this, I'll do anything to keep from ever forgetting again.

For now, I think this is all; I hear the next fight starting, and if I am to find my brother, I must watch out for him within the crowd and the fights.

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	4. Meeting

**Chapter Three: Meeting**

'Please, Lady Inari, allow me to find my brother soon; I miss him so much.' As Arisu headed toward the ring, she was so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't notice the group of demon coming from the hall she was passing. Her thoughts were interrupted when she collided with something hard.

"Excuse me…," she said automatically and was silenced when a large clawed hand lashed out at her.

The only reason she wasn't sent flying into the wall was because the shadows in front of the wall reached out and braced her. She automatically sent them a silent thank you, and then looked up at the demon she had accidentally crashed into; he was huge, had six eyes, and three horns. His skin was a grey-purple color mottled with a sickly green.

"You're going to pay for that, girl!"

"Hey look, guys! It's a human girl!"

"She's not half bad looking."

"Shut up, you three, she's mine; you can have her when I'm done."

He reached for her with a large clawed hand, and Arisu prepared to defend herself. Just as she was going to summon her long-dormant powers, a quiet voice tinged with ice interrupted.

"The next fight's beginning, and I'd advise you to go and find your seats."

Due to the fact that she was surrounded by the hulking forms of the demons, Arisu could not see who it was that had spoken. The demon retracted his hand and presumably, turned to face the speaker.

"Who do you think you…"

His voice trailed off as he realized who he was speaking to, and Arisu could suddenly smell the fear rolling off of all the demons. 'Wonder who it is. Whoever he is, he must be pretty strong to frighten them like this.'

"I suggest you go, now."

All Arisu could see was the speaker's shoes as they conferred, but she could sense the strong demonic aura radiating from the one who had interrupted; she could also, strangely, smell flowers, earth, and confusingly human instead of the stench rolling off of her antagonists. She watched dispassionately as the demons lumbered hurriedly toward the exit. As they passed, she could finally see who had frightened them off. Surprisingly, she was faced with a human boy of about sixteen or seventeen years of age with long, red hair and emerald green eyes. 'Human yet demonic, very strange.'

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, but I could have taken care of it myself; there was no need for you to get involved."

"It's dangerous to let your guard down here; danger lurks everywhere."

"I know, it won't happen again," she said, allowing a tinge of annoyance to bleed into her voice. 'How dare he treat me as if I'm only a kit?!'

She moved past him to head out to the stands. 'If I hurry, I won't have missed much more than the beginning.'

"You have a human body, but you possess demonic energy."

She paused and turned to face him; her face a carefully guarded mask.

"The same as you."

"Yes, I don't think I introduced myself; I'm called Kurama."

"I didn't ask your name, and I need to be going; I don't want to miss the fight."

"I mean you no harm; it is just…intriguing for me to find someone so like myself. I didn't think there was anyone like me anywhere," the last he stated in a slightly melancholic tone.

Arisu hesitated; she knew not to trust anyone in the Demon World, but something about him put her at ease. Maybe it was because she could sense demonic and human energy within him, or maybe it was the fact that he seemed so human in a place so demonic. Perhaps, something in his scent and tone relaxed her.

"You may call me Arisu."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Arisu. If you will allow me, I'd like to watch the fight with you."

"Alright, but don't think for one second that I trust you."

"Of course not," Kurama said with a smile as he gestured for her to follow him to a viewing room.

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	5. Getting Acquainted

**Chapter Four: Getting Acquainted**

Arisu walked beside the red-headed as they headed down the hall; she allowed Kurama to lead them toward the room of his choice. After all, it didn't matter to her **where **she watched the fight; as long as she **watched** it. As soon as they entered the room, her eyes were drawn to the large screens covering the walls. The fight had already begun. She strode to the nearest screen and stared at it, searching intently. She was so engrossed that she didn't even notice Kurama come to stand next to her. In fact, she didn't even remember that Kurama existed anymore.

Kurama watched as she practically ran to the screen. Instead of watching what was happening on the screen, he watched her scan it for something. Her eyes briefly observed the fight, but then they slid toward the spectators, shining with focus. Her eyes seemed to stare intently at each and every face the camera showed; she was obviously looking for someone or something. When one of the blasts knocked the camera out, he could practically see the waves of anger rolling off of her. She seemed to remember at that moment that she wasn't alone and turned to him. Gone was the look of intensity; instead, she again wore the calm mask he had seen on her face when he had first spoken to her.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw your eyes; you were looking for something or someone."

Her eyes took on a chilly look as she stared at him.

"This wasn't a good idea; I'm going to go watch the fight from outside."

She made to walk past him, but Kurama reached out and stopped her.

"I apologize if I offended you. Please, stay and watch the fight with me."

Her eyes still held that chilly look, and he was sure that she was going to say no and leave.

'I should go; I don't have time to be getting friendly with strange demon I don't know.' But for some reason, she was inclined to stay. Maybe, it was the fact that she'd been alone in the Makai for two years now. 'I definitely spent too long with humans if I'm _actually_ feeling lonely.'

"Alright, but don't ask me anymore questions like that."

"Agreed."

She looked at him for a moment before her attention returned to the screen, where the camera had apparently been repaired. After a few minutes of silence, she spoke again.

"What's it like?"

"What is what like?"

"Sharing a body with a human soul, the body I inhabit has no soul besides my own; I'm curious to know what it's like."

"In the beginning it was…annoying, but that had more to do with the body itself than the soul. I remained in control as the body matured; though, I did relinquish control to the child, or Shuichi, as he is called, when I deemed him mature enough."

"Interesting, did you suffer memory loss?"

"Yes, for the first ten years or so I couldn't recall my life in the Makai at all. As the years went by and I neared the point at which I could return, my memories gradually returned. What about you? Did you lose your memories?"

"Yes, I couldn't remember anything about the Makai until this body was fourteen years old, and even then it wasn't everything, just bits and pieces. Even now there are parts of my life I can't remember at all."

"It must be difficult for you to be here in the Makai without all of your memory."

"It is at times, but everyday I seem to remember more about my life before."

"Yes, it was the same for me, though my memories seem to have returned to me much faster than yours."

"There is one question I have for you though, Kurama."

"Ask away."

"Even though you have regained your memories and almost all of your power, what puzzles me is that everyone says you still reside in the Ningenkai. Why is that?"

"I committed a crime against the Reikai just a little over two years ago. I was offered a deal; in exchange for my being placed on probation and assisting the spirit detective, my record would be wiped clean.

"And now, are you still on probation?"

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	6. Mixed Feelings

**Chapter Five: Mixed Feelings**

"No, I've paid my debt to the Reikai."

"Interesting," was all Arisu said before returning her attention to the screen.

They stood there for awhile; both watching the fight. Finally, Kurama couldn't resist asking the girl standing next to him the question that had been bothering him since he'd first sensed her.

"Do you have a family in the Ningenkai?"

Arisu turned her head to look at him contemplatively as she answered.

"No, I was reborn into a human family as you were, but as soon as my memory returned, I cut all ties with them and returned to the Makai."

"You don't ever plan to see them again?"

"Why would I want to? They've served their purpose; I've regained almost all of my power. Why would I ever wish to return to the Ningenkai at all?"

Kurama fell silent at her answer. Logically, it did make sense. To this demoness, her human family had been nothing but a place to hide and heal. Now that she was restored, she had no use for them. But why was it that she and Yoko had been in such similar circumstances, and yet, came out with such different results? Yoko had regained his power when he himself had turned ten but had stayed for the love he held Shiori. Arisu had stayed with her family fourteen years without any memory of being a demon, but somehow, seemed to hold no love for them.

* * *

"_Do you have a family in the Ningenkai?"_

'Why would he ask me that? What could he hope to learn from my answer? He asked me that question two days ago, and even now, I can't begin understand why he asked it. I don't know why I care; after that first day we spent together, that should have been the end. I didn't come here to find companionship or a lover, so why am I wasting time thinking about him?'

After that first day, she had honestly thought that would be the end. He would have satisfied his curiosity about another demon like him, and she could go back to her search in peace. But the next day, there he'd been, leaning gracefully against the wall in the hallway leading to the stadium. He had again invited her to join him, and every instinct in her body had told her to refuse, to focus on her brother, but then that strange feeling that had originally pushed her to accept had spoken up again, and she heard herself accept.

That was how she had passed the previous day and today as well; he had again been there at the entrance to the stadium and had again invited her. And again, she had fought the war with her feelings and instincts, and again, that niggling feeling had won. The only times she watched the fights alone were when Kurama himself fought, or when he was summoned to Yomi's side. And if she thought about it, she would realize that she had revealed more about herself to him than she had to anyone, except perhaps her brother, which was probably why she wasn't thinking about it and instead, writing in her journal in the middle of the night.

* * *

It was days before we were able to bring Kin home. Lady Caira said that he had to be checked over before he could go home with us. The day we went to get him, I immediately sensed something was different about him. When we got home, I found out what was different; they had removed his birthmark, effectively cutting him out of our clan. But that wasn't all; the difference I had sensed inside him was worse. They had done the unthinkable to my brother; though, I didn't realize it at the time. They had permanently sealed his demonic energy within him, which meant he would never be able to access his own power.

From the moment he was brought home, he became my responsibility; Aiko often helped, but she could never seem to overcome our parents' teachings and so, could never truly love him. At first, I couldn't figure out how to keep him from starving; our mother adamantly refused to feed him at her breast, so I had to find an alternative. At first, I bought milk from new mothers in our clan who had extra, but after they discovered who I was feeding it with, they refused to sell me anymore. It was Aiko who finally came up with the solution; she suggested we try the milk of the sobada.

The sobada is an animal that resides in the Makai; it resembles what humans call a unicorn. It's an elusive creature with violent tendencies when cornered; that coupled with their razor sharp claws, acidic bite, and the poisonous spines on its back makes them difficult to handle. The sobada's milk though, is both nutritious and nourishing. Luckily, Kin instantly took to it and seemed to grow bigger and stronger by the day on it; within months, his coat and eyes shone like liquid gold.

Kin's life became more difficult with each passing month; as soon as he was able to walk properly, father forbade him from entering the den. With autumn and then winter approaching, Aiko and I worried about the severe temperatures winter always brought to our mountain home. We decided to make Kin a shelter to protect him from the elements. Construction was interrupted when Aiko was sent to our aunt and uncle to learn better control of her power.

Fortunately, Kin and I located an abandoned shed not far from our den, and, with a little cleaning and repairs, I was able to turn it into a proper shelter; Kin and I then filled it with leaves and other plant matter to act as bedding, and I covered it with my thickest blanket. With all of that done, I was confident that my little brother would be safe throughout the cold season.

* * *

According to my calculations, today's fights will begin in forty-five minutes; if I leave now, perhaps I will dodge him and finally avoid the irritating internal battle.

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